The Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decides to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking sound of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.?”

The blind man replies, “If you would’ve put a RUBBER at the end of your STICK, we’d be in the bus right now.!!!!!

What Your Parents Do – Little Johnny

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living.

“Mary, what does your parents do?”

Little Mary replied, “My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.”

“That’s very nice,” said the teacher. “Robert, what do your parents do?”

Robert proudly exclaimed, “My dad is a policeman and my mom is a teacher!”

“That’s very nice,” said the teacher, “Johnny, what do your parents do?”

He stood up and pronounced, “My dad’s dead and my mom’s a hooker.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. 15 minutes later, he returned.

“Did you tell the principal what you said in class?” asked the teacher.

Johnny replied, “Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important, gave me a chocolate and asked for my phone number.”

Customer Care in 2020

Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…

Customer : Hello, can I order..

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?

Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.

Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…

Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.

Customer : How come?

Student Says He's Too Smart For First Grade. Then This Happens.

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too."

The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9."

Principal: "6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36."

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?"

Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?"

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Guy Kept Complaining About Her Service For No Reason. But His Girlfriend’s Response Is Perfect.

(It is a busy Saturday night. During the dinner rush, I have been dealing with a table of two 2o-somethings on a date. The guy, a blonde, had found something to complain about every time I've walked by. Meanwhile the brown-haired girl just blushes and stays quiet. They've finished their meal.)

Blonde Man: "Are you new here?"

Me: "No, sir. I've been a waitress here for two years and three years at [other restaurant] prior."

Blonde Man: "Then you have no excuse for how terrible this service was. The salad was wilty, and the entree was way too cold, and you were nowhere to be found. Plus, this place is far too noisy; I could barely hear myself speak! Honestly, I get better service at a fast food place."

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way. While there isn't much I can do about the noise, I did offer to bring you different food before, but you said no."

Blonde Man: *waves me off* "Just bring me the check, and try not to be so slow about it for once."

(I go and get the check, but when I return, his date stands up and hands me a $2o bill.)

Girl: "Here, this is your tip. He wasn't going to give you one. As a former waiter myself, I thought you were doing a perfectly fine job. My food was great, and the service was fast even though you're so busy right now."

(She turns to her stunned blonde date.)

Girl: "People like you made my job so much worse, especially for making us work that much harder for no tip. So thanks for the meal, but you can go ahead and delete my number because there will be no second date. And by the way, potjevleesch is supposed to be served cold, you idiot."

(With that, she left the restaurant without him. It made the whole night worth it, to see that blonde man speechless.)

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Nurse Promises Not To Laugh At This Man's Problem. She Failed. This Is Hilarious.

The Nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asks, shy.

The Nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before."

The Patient said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the Patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the Patient's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," the Nurse said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the Patient replied.

She ran out of the room.

Sometimes we think we know exactly what to expect. Sometimes we're very wrong.

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Young sales man and his Manager

Pedro was appointed as sales person at a local store.

While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had ‘Peach Jam’ to which he bluntly replied, “Out of stock.”

At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.

It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Pedro aside and told him,

“When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like pineapple jam, guava, apricot jam and so on.”

Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Pedro politely replied,

“I am sorry ma’am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try some Carbon Paper or Sand Paper!”

The Missing Rancher

A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

Difference between Wife & Girlfriend

Difference between Wife & Girlfriend

Wife is like a Tv &
Girlfriend is like a Mobile
At home you watch Tv, but when you go out you take your Mobile.

Sometimes you enjoy Tv, but most of the time you play with your Mobile.

TV is free for life,
but for the Mobile, if you don't pay, the services will be terminated.

TV is big, bulky & most of the time old.
But the Mobile is cute, slim, curvy & very portable.

Operational costs for TV is often acceptable, but for the Mobile it is often high & demanding.

TV has a remote, Mobile doesn't.

Most importantly, Mobile is a two-way communication (you talk & listen) but
with the TV you Must only listen (whether you want to or not)

Last but not least..
TV's don't have viruses, but Mobile's often do...
Take Care.

Issued in Public Interest.

Customer Complaints

Customer Complaints

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.

A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, “Aren’t they cute, what are their names?”

The man giving the lady an angry look replied, “I don’t know.”

The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?”

The man looking angrier than before replied “I don’t know.”

The woman then started to scold the man, “What kind of a father are you?”.

The man replied, “I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.”

I'm an Engineer.

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want. "

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?

I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend, but having a talking frog, now that's cool."

Don't Overreact In Every Situation

Real Funny Story.. Very Very Funny.. Must Read and Share to Everyone..

  

In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly......

CEO of that factory came and asked his salary...

Man replied "5000 sir"

CEO took out his wallet and gave 15000 and told him...

"I pay people here to work and not to waste time, This is your 3 months salary.

Now get out of here. Never come back"

That guy left............

Then CEO asked workers "Who was that guy?"

Workers replied "Courier Boy Sir".. 

Moral: Don't overreact in every situation! 

Funny Interview

Funny Interview

Interviewer: There are 500 bricks on a plane. You drop one outside. How many are left?
Applicant: That’s easy, 499

Interviewer: What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

Interviewer: What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Applicant: Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.

Interviewer: It’s lion’s birthday, all the animals are there except one, why?
Applicant: Because the deer is in the fridge.

Interviewer: How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Applicant: She just crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion’s birthday.

Interviewer: Last question.
In the end the old lady still died, Why?

Applicant: Err….I guess she drowned?

Interviewer: No! She was hit by the brick. You may leave now.

Angry Wife Joke

Wife comes late at night & quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a Baseball bat & starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to drink water.

As she enters, she sees her husband there reading a magazine..

Husband says..”Hi Darling !! Your Parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our Bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them!”

Best Divorce Letter Ever

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

The Married Couple and the Fairy

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, Romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.‘

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again…

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me..‘

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..

Psychology

A guy asked a girl in a library;

“Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes,

the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, -

I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!" And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;

“I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

Hilarious Dinner With Wife

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

Polish Man Married A Canadian Girl

Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”! 

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Smart And Intelligent Wife

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.