Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

The wife asked her husband




After 15 years of marriage the wife asked her husband to describe her.

The husband looked at her slowly and without blinking an eye, said, “ABCDEFGHIJK.”

“What does that mean?” She asked.

“Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous and Hot!!!” he replied.

Wife Smiling asked, “So sweet of you honey. What about IJK?”

He replied, “I’m Just Kidding!

A Lonely 70-year-old Woman Wan't to Marry Again


A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Husband Admits To Sleeping With Wife’s SISTER. But Her Response Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Read




BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem. (57409)

The Best Divorce Letter Ever.


The Atheist and the Bear - Hilarious Story


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing.

He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful...AMEN!"

Husband Admits To Sleeping With Wife’s SISTER. But Her Response Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Read



BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Customer Care in 2030


Operator : Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your…

Customer : Hello, can I order..

Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?

Customer : It s eh…, hold………. on……889861356102049998-45-54610

Operator : OK… you’re Mr Singh and you’re calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer : Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : We are connected to the system Sir.

Customer : May I order your Seafood Pizza…

Operator : That’s not a good idea Sir.

Customer : How come?

Wife’s Way of Fulfilling Husband’s Wish


A woman goes to United Kingdom to attend a 2 week Company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?

The husband laughs and says: An London girl!!!

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up at the airport and asks: So, honey, how was the trip?

Very good, thank you. And, what happened to my present?

Which present? She asked.

The one I asked for – an London girl !!

Oh, than she said: Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl!!!

PS: Never underestimate your wife :P

Husband Went To Police Station To Report His Wife Was Missing. The Officer Couldn't Believe What He Heard



Husband lost his Wife

Man: I lost my wife.

Inspector: What is her height?

Man: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Man: Not slim, can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of the eyes?

Man: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Man: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: suit. I don’t remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with her???

Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy,brown eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a golden

belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together…

And the man started crying….

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!

Congratulations! You’re the father of triples


Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

A nurse tells the third man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets!”

“That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask.

“I work for 7 Up!”

Amazing Reply Of Wife


A husband was unhappy with his wife’s recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child...

Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came around, the husband was feeling horny and decided to proposition his wife for a night of lovemaking.

To his request, she responded, "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load."

"You better do it by hand.''

If you loved this woman’s response don’t forget to SHARE it with your friends on Facebook.

Don’t forget to leave your thoughts in the comments section below.


Stay tuned for more posts :)…

This Is Why You Should Never Lie To A Smart Wife



Man on phone: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good…

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

He said “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t u pack my blue silk pyjamas?”

You’ll love the answer..!!

She says, “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”

Game over !!

A Guy’s Experience In Ladies Toilet.



A guy in a hurry used the ladies ‘toilet in a posh hotel’.
He sat down and noticed four buttons – WW, WA, PP & APR.
Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, “Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn’t find a pad on you, it went for your testicles.”

This is why we say curiosity kills.

Man Tries To Impress Blonde Woman By Insulting A Waitress. Her Response? EPIC.


(So picture this i’m a male customer standing in line behind a stuck up man and a beautiful blonde woman that he’s desperately trying to chat up, but he’s failing miserably. The server is a young girl who appears to be new at a her job).

Obnoxious Man: “Excuse me! I ordered skinny, non-sugar orange mocha chip Frappuccino! This isn’t skinny, AND there’s no whipped cream on it!”

Barista: “My apologies sir, let me get that sorted for you.”

Obnoxious Man to the blonde woman: These guys screw EVERYTHING up, it’s about time they got something right.”

Barista: “Here you are sir, one skinny, non-sugar, orange mocha chip Frappuccino.”

Obnoxious Man: “You must be f***ing retarded!? This is a plain mocha. I wanted an orange chip mocha Frappuccino. Get it f***ing right you idiot.”

On the verge of tears the young girl makes the coffee again.

Blonde woman: In a strong London accent* WILL YOU STOP BEING A JERK! The poor girl has made the coffee perfect, I watched her do it. She’s clearly new at her job and you are just a bully. Cut her some slack.

Obnoxious Man: Excuse me love, but I want what I asked for! How is that hard to do?

Blonde woman: “Real men drink real coffee. They don’t waste their precious time bullying young girls in coffee shops. Now if you’re done with being a prick, can you please remove yourself, thank you kindly.”

Everyone in coffee shop applauded her, and the man left looking a deep shade of red. I paid for the blonde woman’s coffee, and found out she was also from London. I asked her to marry me this week, and guess what? She said yes! And that’s how we met.

If you liked this story then please don’t forget to SHARE it with your friends.



This Guy Isn’t Making Love to His Girlfriend Tonight. the Reason Why Is Hilarious.


Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”

She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing $exual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No baby, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?” I said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Smartest Man in the World


A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute and yelled to the passengers that they better jump, and he himself bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack.”

Moral: Your job doesn’t always define you, but being a Good Human being Does.

6 Management Lessons That Everyone Should Know. #2 Is Priceless.


Lesson 1/6:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2/6:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

Couple Is Happily Married For Sixty Years. But She Never Thought He’d Blame Her For This In The Very End.


The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, You and your damn healthy food We could have been here ten years ago!

Know What to Say and When – funny


Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,”

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, “I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell you right now, you ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

Don't Copy, If You Can't Paste


A famous inspirational speaker said :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife. "

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added : "She was my mother"

(A big round of pause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen :

" Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife "

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker.
.
.
.

By the time he gained his senses,
he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water !!!

Moral : Don't Copy, if you can't Paste... 

A Newly Married Husband saved his Wife’s number on His Mobile as…


A newly Married Husband saved his Wife's number... on his mobile as... "My Life".. 

After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife".. 

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"..
.
After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"..!!
.
After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "WRONG NUMBER "..!!! 

Wife: You had lunch?


Husband(in fun mood) : You had lunch? 


Wife : I am asking You. ... 


Husband : I am asking You. 


Wife: You copying me? 


Husband: You copying me? 


Wife: Lets go shopping 


Husband: I had lunch.