Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts

Husband Admits To Sleeping With Wife’s SISTER. But Her Response Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Read



BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Boss called his employee's home, but the child on the phone had the most surprising thing to say

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.

“Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman” 

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed the helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. “Me.”

Husband Went To Police Station To Report His Wife Was Missing. The Officer Couldn't Believe What He Heard



Husband lost his Wife

Man: I lost my wife.

Inspector: What is her height?

Man: I never noticed.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Man: Not slim, can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of the eyes?

Man: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair?

Man: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: suit. I don’t remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with her???

Man: Yes, my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy,brown eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, wearing a golden

belt studded with blue balls, he likes non-veg. food, we eat together, we jog together…

And the man started crying….

Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first!!!

Couple's Humor - Hilarious


Phone rings...

GIRL:"Hello..

Boy:"My luv how are you doing..??

GIRL:"Am fine..

Boy:"Will you be free during the weekend, and can you come to my house.. ??

GIRL:"Am sorry I can't make it because I will be attending my aunty's wedding and the next day
I will be busy,  am so occupied..

Boy:"Ooh ok,was just planning to take you out for shopping, surprise you with an iPhone7, then buy you the dress you have been asking for...

GIRL:"I will be coming and I may even spend the whole weekend there if you want my love..

Boy:"What about the wedding.. ??

GIRL:"Which wedding, I was Joking...

Boy:"Me too..

If you are in bad mood. read this.

Drunken Reincarnation

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk.

He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.

He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?” The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.

James didn’t take the news so well, “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family, you’ve got to send me back right away!”

St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated – but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?”

“It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.

“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”

“Never” replies James.

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him – emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him, ever!

The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you’re sh*tting in the bed!”

Man Asked His Wife If She Had Ever Been Unfaithful. But He Never Expected Her To Say This


“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

Marathon Race - It's Hilarious


A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” – she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” – came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” – she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being n@ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

It wasn’t that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

Surprise Party


Last week was my birthday, My wife didn't wish me, My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work, Even my colleagues did not wish.

As I entered my cabin my secretary said, "Happy birthday Boss!"

I felt special. She asked me for lunch.

After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there!

She said,

"You mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"OK", I said in a $exy mood.

She came out 5 minutes later with a cake & My wife, My parents, My kids, My friends and My colleagues.

All screaming "SURPRISE SURPRISE!"

And,

I was waiting on the sofa, NAAKED!

They all stare bewildered at this man in the locker room. But what he ends up saying, blows everyone away.


A cell phones start ringing in the locker room of a gym.

A man fresh out of the shower with nothing, but a towel wrapped around his waist, answers.

The other people in the locker room listen out of curiosity.

“Hello?”

“A woman’s voice answers, “Hi baby, it’s me.

Are you at the gym?”

“Yep.”

“So I am just doing a little shopping and found this amazing leather coat. It only costs $1500 – such a steal. Can I buy it ?

“Of course, if you like it that much,” he answered.

“I also stopped by the dealership to check out some of the models. That Mercedes we were thinking about is sooo gorgeous. Should I go ahead and order one?”

“How much?”

“Around $90,000 – depending on the finishes.”

“Well go ahead then, but make sure it has all of the extras if you are paying that price.”

The woman is over the moon. “I also swung by the realtor’s office. Do you remember that seaside house that got snatched away from us last year? Well it’s on the market again. $1.2 million – such a good deal, right?”

“Go in with $1 million. If that doesn’t quite do it we’ll give them the rest, but don’t say that till the very end!”

“Ok dear I love you.”

“I love you too.” The man hangs up the phone. Everyone in the room is starring at him, their mouths hangings wide open.

The man turns around and says:

“Anyone know whose phone this is ?”

Man Asked His Wife If She Had Ever Been Unfaithful. But He Never Expected Her To Say This


“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

What do I Look Like ?


A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.
“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”
“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

Divorce Whisperer


A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

Confusion in Test Results of Wife


Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to get his wife’s test results.

The lab technician says to him, “I’m very sorry, sir, but we’ve had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife’s samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we’re not sure which results are your wife’s. But, frankly, it’s either bad news or terrible news!”

“What do you mean?” said Mr. Smith.

“Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can’t tell which is your wife’s test.”

“This is terrible!” cries Mr. Smith. “Can’t we do the test over?”

Normally, yes,” says the technician, “but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

Well, what am I supposed to do now?” said Mr. Smith.

“Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

This Guy Isn’t Making Love to His Girlfriend Tonight. the Reason Why Is Hilarious.


Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”
She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewelry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was nearing $exual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Horror Question



WIFE: Sweetie, how many women have you
slept with after we got married?
HUSBAND: (Quiet)

WIFE: (10 minutes later) Sweetie, I asked you a
question!
HUSBAND: (Quiet)

WIFE: (15 minutes later) Are you afraid to tell me
the truth?
HUSBAND: Will you just keep quiet and let me
finish counting.....

The Wife fainted....

.
.
.(silence)
.
.
. (Three minutes later)
.
.
. (Loud bang)
.
.
. (The end!)

Guy Kept Complaining About Her Service For No Reason. But His Girlfriend’s Response Is Perfect.

(It is a busy Saturday night. During the dinner rush, I have been dealing with a table of two 2o-somethings on a date. The guy, a blonde, had found something to complain about every time I've walked by. Meanwhile the brown-haired girl just blushes and stays quiet. They've finished their meal.)

Blonde Man: "Are you new here?"

Me: "No, sir. I've been a waitress here for two years and three years at [other restaurant] prior."

Blonde Man: "Then you have no excuse for how terrible this service was. The salad was wilty, and the entree was way too cold, and you were nowhere to be found. Plus, this place is far too noisy; I could barely hear myself speak! Honestly, I get better service at a fast food place."

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that way. While there isn't much I can do about the noise, I did offer to bring you different food before, but you said no."

Blonde Man: *waves me off* "Just bring me the check, and try not to be so slow about it for once."

(I go and get the check, but when I return, his date stands up and hands me a $2o bill.)

Girl: "Here, this is your tip. He wasn't going to give you one. As a former waiter myself, I thought you were doing a perfectly fine job. My food was great, and the service was fast even though you're so busy right now."

(She turns to her stunned blonde date.)

Girl: "People like you made my job so much worse, especially for making us work that much harder for no tip. So thanks for the meal, but you can go ahead and delete my number because there will be no second date. And by the way, potjevleesch is supposed to be served cold, you idiot."

(With that, she left the restaurant without him. It made the whole night worth it, to see that blonde man speechless.)

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Nurse Promises Not To Laugh At This Man's Problem. She Failed. This Is Hilarious.


The Nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asks, shy.

The Nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before."

The Patient said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the Patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the Patient's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," the Nurse said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the Patient replied.

She ran out of the room.

Sometimes we think we know exactly what to expect. Sometimes we're very wrong.

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20 Extremely Well-Mannered Insults To Use On Your Worst Enemy. Number 15 Is Genius.


1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.

2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.

3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.

4. May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.

5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.

6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it's not even in.

7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.

8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.

9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.

10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.

Young sales man and his Manager


Pedro was appointed as sales person at a local store.
While on one of his shifts, a lady approached him and asked if they had ‘Peach Jam’ to which he bluntly replied, “Out of stock.”
At this, the lady immediately turned to leave the shop in disgruntlement.
It was then that the shopkeeper, who had been looking on, called Pedro aside and told him,
“When a customer asks for a product that is out of stock, you apologize for its unavailability, and then offer other types of the same product. For instance in this case it was peach jam; offer other types of jam like pineapple jam, guava, apricot jam and so on.”
Next, came in another lady who asked for toilet paper and Pedro politely replied,
“I am sorry ma’am, we do not have any toilet paper right now but you could try some Carbon Paper or Sand Paper!”

The Missing Rancher


A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.