Advanced Mathematics

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

“Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. – Your Husband”

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.

Why I Fired My Secretary

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m gonna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked.

Man Asked His Wife If She Had Ever Been Unfaithful. But He Never Expected Her To Say This

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.

In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

Marathon Race - It's Hilarious

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” – she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” – came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” – she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!”

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being n@ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.

It wasn’t that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

Gift For Husband

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!” The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked. “The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said

“Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”

Unexpected Funny Ending

Fat man saw an ad: "lose 5kg in a week" in a newspaper.

He calls the company & lady says be ready tomorrow at 6am.

The next morning he opens the door & finds a hot babe with just shoes, undergarments & shirt saying: "you catch me u f**k me!" & the girl starts running.

He starts running but doesn't catch her.

During the whole week he tried to catch her but couldn't.

However he loses 5 kg.

He then asks for the 10kg program.

Next morning at 6 he opens the door and sees an even hotter babe in shoes, thong & a shirt
saying: "You catch me You f**k me".

He loses 10 kg that week.

So he thought this program is awesome!

Lets try the 25 kg! So he asked for the 25 kg but the lady said "Are Youu sure? its really tough".
He said "YES!"

Next day at 6 he opens the door, he finds a gay in just underwear saying..

"If I catch u, I will f**k u.."

Surprise Party

Last week was my birthday, My wife didn't wish me, My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work, Even my colleagues did not wish.

As I entered my cabin my secretary said, "Happy birthday Boss!"

I felt special. She asked me for lunch.

After lunch she invited me to her apartment. We went there!

She said,

"You mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"

"OK", I said in a $exy mood.

She came out 5 minutes later with a cake & My wife, My parents, My kids, My friends and My colleagues.

All screaming "SURPRISE SURPRISE!"

And,

I was waiting on the sofa, NAAKED!

Woman Accidentally Farts In A Lexus Showroom. But Gets The Shock Of Her Life When She Turns Around.

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to sh*t when you hear the price."

Husband Wife Marriage Life Humor

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

‘You disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!’

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, ‘Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Fine, go ahead,’ she sobbed, ‘but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And Paddy began – ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.

Polish Man Married A Canadian Girl

Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”! 

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”

LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.

LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”

POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me!”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

A Doctor and His Postcard Idea Humor

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.’”

Husband Wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

They all stare bewildered at this man in the locker room. But what he ends up saying, blows everyone away.

A cell phones start ringing in the locker room of a gym.

A man fresh out of the shower with nothing, but a towel wrapped around his waist, answers.

The other people in the locker room listen out of curiosity.

“Hello?”

“A woman’s voice answers, “Hi baby, it’s me.

Are you at the gym?”

“Yep.”

“So I am just doing a little shopping and found this amazing leather coat. It only costs $1500 – such a steal. Can I buy it ?

“Of course, if you like it that much,” he answered.

“I also stopped by the dealership to check out some of the models. That Mercedes we were thinking about is sooo gorgeous. Should I go ahead and order one?”

“How much?”

“Around $90,000 – depending on the finishes.”

“Well go ahead then, but make sure it has all of the extras if you are paying that price.”

The woman is over the moon. “I also swung by the realtor’s office. Do you remember that seaside house that got snatched away from us last year? Well it’s on the market again. $1.2 million – such a good deal, right?”

“Go in with $1 million. If that doesn’t quite do it we’ll give them the rest, but don’t say that till the very end!”

“Ok dear I love you.”

“I love you too.” The man hangs up the phone. Everyone in the room is starring at him, their mouths hangings wide open.

The man turns around and says:

“Anyone know whose phone this is ?”

Man Asked His Wife If She Had Ever Been Unfaithful. But He Never Expected Her To Say This

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…

4 Friends Meet 30 Years After School

4 friends meet 30 years after school.

One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

Friend 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

Friend 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

Friend 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son.

He said his son is not studying well and is a stripper at a bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no" said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends.

Unexpected Twist.. Very Funny

A student failed in law & decided to make a deal with professor.

Sir, do you know everything about law?

Prof: Yes.

Student: If you can answer this question, i will accept my final marks, if you cant, you have to give me "A" Grade.

Professor agreed.

Boy asked: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical?"

Prof thought about it for hours & pondered no answer.

He had to finally give up as he really did not know.

He gave the boy his "A" Grade.

The following day, professor asked same question to his students.

He was shocked when all of them raised their hands.

He asked one student.

He answered: Sir, you are 65, married to 28 yrs old woman, this is legal but not logical.

What do I Look Like ?

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”

He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.

“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

Divorce Whisperer

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me.”

Confusion in Test Results of Wife

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to get his wife’s test results.

The lab technician says to him, “I’m very sorry, sir, but we’ve had a bit of a problem. At the same time we sent your wife’s samples to the lab, the lab also received samples from another Mrs. Smith, and now we’re not sure which results are your wife’s. But, frankly, it’s either bad news or terrible news!”

“What do you mean?” said Mr. Smith.

“Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. And we can’t tell which is your wife’s test.”

“This is terrible!” cries Mr. Smith. “Can’t we do the test over?”

Normally, yes,” says the technician, “but you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”

Well, what am I supposed to do now?” said Mr. Smith.

“Blue Cross recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”

Have You Paid Our Monthly Bills?

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oy, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”