Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Employee Vs Boss


Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, Truworths, my landlord, my credit card companies & loan sharks!

Old Man Humor


A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love… At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Be Sure And Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die



This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

A lady died this past January, and bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to bank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died in January.’

Bank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’

Bank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Bank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’ (I really liked this part!!!!)

Bank: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’

Bank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’ (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Engineer Vs Doctor


An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!” Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

How to Tell You are Married

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night”.

The married woman: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’ 

Men Will Be Men


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the Head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

This Man Just Made A Big Sacrifice For His Wife. Then She Said This.


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

Husband Leaves Shocking Letter For His Wife. Then She Responds.

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset -I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis Coach. He is young, virile and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

A Man Is Dating Three Women And Wants To Decide Which To Marry…


A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man is impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmo’s for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

Expiry Date

Wife:What are you doing?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife :Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.

Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.

Wife : Do you want dinner?’

Husband : Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife :Yes or no.

Wife:You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears

Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself: What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Interview at Alcohol factory


In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him.

They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.”

“That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass.”It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a south western slope, oak barrels.”

“Correct.”The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, made inside the office. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll also tell who’s the father!”

The boss collapsed…

Prank Phone Call


A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:


“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

Epic Funny Conversation Between Dad & Son


Dad: if you Pass in the exam I will Present you 1 Cycle.

Son: if I fail?

Dad: Then I will Present 10 Cycles

Son: why?

Dad: To Open a Cycle Shop..

After Exam Result

Dad: What's your Grade, son?

Son: Under water, Dad.

Dad: Under water? What do You mean?

The Farmer’s Mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that when ever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’
The men would ask, ‘CAN I BORROW THAT MULE ??’
And I would shake my head and say ….
…………………………………….. ‘CAN’T, IT’S BOOKED FOR A YEAR’

Never Lie to a Smart Women



Man on phone: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!”

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good…

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

He said “Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn’t u pack my blue silk pyjamas?”

You’ll love the answer..!!

She says, “I did…..They’re in your fishing box”

Game over !!

Polish Man Married A Canadian Girl

Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.
LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.
LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”
LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”

POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”
LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me!”
LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

Presentation Does Matter.. No Matter What The Reality Is


Women chatting in office..

Woman 1:" I had a fine evening, how was yours.. ??

Woman 2:" It was a disaster.. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell a sleep.. How was yours.. ??

Woman 1:" Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner.. After dinner we walked for an hour.. When we came home he lit the candles around the house..It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..

Husband 1:" How was your evening.. ??

Husband 2:" Great.. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you ??

Horror Question



WIFE: Sweetie, how many women have you
slept with after we got married?
HUSBAND: (Quiet)

WIFE: (10 minutes later) Sweetie, I asked you a
question!
HUSBAND: (Quiet)

WIFE: (15 minutes later) Are you afraid to tell me
the truth?
HUSBAND: Will you just keep quiet and let me
finish counting.....

The Wife fainted....

.
.
.(silence)
.
.
. (Three minutes later)
.
.
. (Loud bang)
.
.
. (The end!)

Mom Is Shocked What Her Son Learned In Math Class Until His Teacher Hilariously Explains The Reason


“Little Billy was at ­home doing his math homework. He said to himself, ‘Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine.’

“In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. ‘Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?’

“Little Billy answered, ‘I’m doing my math homework, Mom.’ She said, ‘And is that what your teacher taught you?’ He replied, ‘Yes.’”

“The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy’s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his math teacher, ‘I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?’”

“The teacher replied, ‘Right now, we are learning addition problems.’ Billy’s mother asked, ‘And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?’ When the teacher stopped laughing she replied…”

“‘Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.’”

Please share this joke with your friends if it made you laugh!

Hilarious Shopping


One Day, A woman went for shopping, At cash counter she opened her purse to pay.

The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He could not control his curiosity n asked "Do you always carry your TV remote with You?"

She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today..

Due to his stupid match SO...

The story continues.... The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that lady had purchased.

Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what is he doing.

He said your husband has blocked your credit card..