Husband Wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

They all stare bewildered at this man in the locker room. But what he ends up saying, blows everyone away.

A cell phones start ringing in the locker room of a gym.

A man fresh out of the shower with nothing, but a towel wrapped around his waist, answers.

The other people in the locker room listen out of curiosity.

“Hello?”

“A woman’s voice answers, “Hi baby, it’s me.

Are you at the gym?”

“Yep.”

“So I am just doing a little shopping and found this amazing leather coat. It only costs $1500 – such a steal. Can I buy it ?

“Of course, if you like it that much,” he answered.

“I also stopped by the dealership to check out some of the models. That Mercedes we were thinking about is sooo gorgeous. Should I go ahead and order one?”

“How much?”

“Around $90,000 – depending on the finishes.”

“Well go ahead then, but make sure it has all of the extras if you are paying that price.”

The woman is over the moon. “I also swung by the realtor’s office. Do you remember that seaside house that got snatched away from us last year? Well it’s on the market again. $1.2 million – such a good deal, right?”

“Go in with $1 million. If that doesn’t quite do it we’ll give them the rest, but don’t say that till the very end!”

“Ok dear I love you.”

“I love you too.” The man hangs up the phone. Everyone in the room is starring at him, their mouths hangings wide open.

The man turns around and says:

“Anyone know whose phone this is ?”

Man Asked His Wife If She Had Ever Been Unfaithful. But He Never Expected Her To Say This

“Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Henry fainted…