What Retired Husband Did

A wife insisted that her recently retired Deputy Sheriff husband accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, the wife is like most women; she loved to browse, leaving her newly retired husband, time to roam the store “unsupervised.”

She received the following letter from Target describing certain events over the past several months:

Dear Mrs. Porter,

Over the past several months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Porter are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras and eye-witnesses.

#1 June 15th:

Took 27 boxes of Rubbers and randomly put them in several elderly customer’s carts when they weren’t looking.

#2 July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

#3 July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

#4 July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code Brown in Housewares. Get on it right away.”

#5 August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a box of donuts on layaway.

#6 August 14:

Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

#7 August 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in to sing “Camp fire songs” if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

#8 August 23:

When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

#9 September 4:

Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

#10 September 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.

#11 October 3:

Darted around the store and vaulted over counters suspiciously, while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

#12 October 6:

In the auto department, he practiced his “Lady Ga Ga” impression by using different sized funnels and singing, “Born this way.”

#13 October 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he whispered, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

#14 October 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

#15 October 14:

Placed fake severed hand from Halloween aisle under bag of frozen food in grocery department

And last, but not least.

#16 November 3rd

Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”


Target Customer Relations